Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
