Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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