Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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