And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
