She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
