Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
