well I can't set my house on fire every night
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
