my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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