right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
