This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
