just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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