my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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