Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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