if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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