woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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