i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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