i need an iv and a liver transplant
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
