Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
