It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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