It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
