Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
