A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
