Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
