i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
