Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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