In the future we'll all be gay
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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