I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
