It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
