And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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