Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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