Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
