God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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