My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
