you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
