My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
...so i touched it.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
