we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
