Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
