i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The maid of honor just puked.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
