great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
