omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
