She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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