dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
