What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
