he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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