i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What drink are we having for lunch?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
