I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just googled if crying burns calories
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
