Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
