Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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