If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
