I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
